Saturday Puke Fest
By admin | June 30, 2008
Saturday afternoon, Mama and Dad took Ginger and Molly for a ride in the car and left me and Trudy AT HOME. I was pissed. I knew they were going to the Animal Rescue League so they could visit with the ladies who took care of them before they came to live with us, which is fine, I wouldn’t want to go there anyway. Shelters remind me of the time I spent in the SPCA slammer.
But after that they went to a super cool doggie shop and PARK! It’s called Godfrey’s and they got tons of cool stuff. Like a whole ROOM of treats! Mama didn’t want to take me, cause I act all spazzy and would knock shit over. Whatev. Bitch.
Anyway, they were going there to find out about getting us into some play groups. It’s a private park, so you can choose who you want in your play group to minimize the likelihood of fights. I’m not real good with strange dogs and have been known to pick fights with dogs way bigger than me, so Mama and Dad have been reluctant to take me to a regular dog park.
So the park looked awesome, Mama and Dad are totally signing us up. Then on the way home, Dad decided to take some curvy back roads that he’s never been on before, cause he’s all adventurous like that. And the puking began. Molly puked all over the back of the car, not once, not twice, but like FIVE or SIX times!
Although Mama didn’t have her camera, I think Molly’s pukey face probably looked similar to this.
Then after Molly puked a couple times, Ginger started puking too. Mama said Ginger must have experienced “contagious barfing,” be like when she sees someone barf, it makes her barf. When they got home, Mama and Dad had to spend like an hour cleaning up the car, which was totally disgusting and smelled horrific.
All I have to say is HA HA HA HA HA! That’s what you get for not taking ME! You get to clean up nasty girl-dog vomit! Maybe next time you’ll think before you leave me at home. Yeah, I might be a spaz, but I’ve NEVER barfed in the car!
Topics: family | 2 Comments »
FUCK FlexPetz! Exclusive Interview!
By admin | June 27, 2008
I’ve heard about this bullshit Rent-a-Pet company FlexPetz before, and I know many of you are familiar with it too. Well, I got an exclusive interview with Pirate, one of the FlexPetz dogs, and she let me in on all the diry little secrets of the company that I’d like to blow up with a goddamn tank.
Murphy Dogg: Hi Pirate, thanks for sneaking out to talk to us.
Pirate: I’m happy to, Murph, because this company is total shit. The lady who started it, Marlena Cervantes, is a cunt-bag with no soul and a heart that’s made of rocks and jackass turds.
MD: Yeah, anyone who could rent a dog must have no emotions at all.
P: She doesn’t! And the people who “rent” us don’t either. I mean, how the fuck can they spend time with us, cuddling and playing, and then dump us back off at our little prisons, skipping off to their lives that are so fucking important, saying “See you next week!” Don’t they think about what it’s like for US?? To sit in that goddamn cage just waiting for someone to pay attention to us?
MD: The FlexPetz website says that you’re never kenneled and that you live with a “carer” family. Is that not true?
P: That’s just more PR bullshit. They don’t want you to know how we’re really kept, just like those places around the world who say their child-labor workers are treated fairly. Bullshit.
MD: I know this may be hard for you Pirate, but I think it’s important for the public to know what it’s really like for the FlexPetz dogs. Would you mind sharing?
P: It IS hard, Murph. My life sucks ass. (sniffle) I feel like a fucking prostitute, and that’s basically how I’m treated. Like a goddamn hooker! People come in, pay that bitch Marlena some cash, take me out and have their way with me, then leave me in my cell. I’m being trafficked! And it’s not cool at all. I don’t deserve this! I deserve a home with people who care enough to love me ALL THE TIME, not just when they feel like it or have an afternoon to kill.
MD: I can’t even imagine what that must be like for you. But let me tell you that you do deserve better. ALL dogs deserve a stable home with people who’ll be there no matter what. Is there any chance you’ll ever get out?
P: Yeah, when they’re done using me. See, FlexPetz wants to come off all do-gooder-like, saying how they “rescue” dogs from shelters, but they’ll only take pure-breds, and we’re more likely to get adopted anyway or saved by breed rescue groups. So they ain’t doing shit to save dogs. They’re USING us. They take us in, make us work for them for a couple years, then when we get too old, they put us BACK up for adoption! So we’re no better off than we were before! Just a couple years older and scarred and traumatized from the work.
MD: How have you seen this work traumatize other dogs?
P: Murphy, it’s awful. Our ability to trust and bond with people is incredibly damaged. We grow cold and unemotional, because it’s too painful to get attached to someone who just keeps leaving you. It’s hard for us to become housebroken, because we never get the opportunity to learn where our “living space” is, so we don’t know where not to piss. Our diets get screwed up from different people feeding us different stuff all the time. We have no structure, no routine, no sense of security, so we always feel unsure and anxious, which can cause us to become snappy and/or aggressive. And most of us are just … sad. We feel like we’re not good enough, because no one will love us permanently.
MD: Wow, that’s hard to hear about. It just pisses me off so much! Is there anything my readers and I can do to help end this cruelty?
P: YES! First, raise awareness about FlexPetz, let other people know how harmful it is. Educate yourselves on the issue and contact your local government to push for legislation against the renting of companion animals. Massachusetts is fighting the opening of a FlexPetz there by introducing its own legislation against it. If there’s a FlexPetz in your town, protest in front of it to bring awareness and media attention.
MD: Thanks so much, Pirate. Do you have anything else you’d like to say?
P: I just want to make a few comparisons, so people will really understand the seriousness of renting companion animals. Let’s say someone is “too busy” to have their own child, but they really enjoy hanging out with kids. How would you feel if babies in the foster care system were rented out to different “pretend parents” for a couple years until they got too old, then were put back in foster care? Or maybe a runaway girl or homeless woman is “rescued” from the streets, taken in and rented out as a “companion” to a guy who likes to have sex but doesn’t have the time for a committed relationship? Yeah, that’s sorta what it’s like for us dogs. Being part of FlexPetz is NOT our choice, we’re being forced to do this work, and it’s straight up bullshit. I swear if I ever got my teeth on that Marlena Cervantes, I’d rip her tits off.
Topics: Things That Annoy Me | 5 Comments »
RIP Houseplant #1
By admin | June 23, 2008
So it’s kinda cool to be able to write about someone else in the family getting in trouble for once. Usually it’s always me. But my new little sis, Ginger, is a whirling dervish of houseplant destruction.
Mama loves houseplants and she’s got a shitload of them all over the house. This is the back room where our crates are. It’s like our very own Jungle Room, quite swanky.
Anyway, Ginger seems to think these houseplants are like her own personal salad bar. She’ll try to snack on ‘em whenever she gets a chance and has finally succeeded at killing the Kalanchoe in the living room.
It used to look like this one. And now it’s all sad and busted.
Mama was crazy pissed off and has moved the busted Kalanchoe into her special houseplant hospice care. I think she should just put the thing out of it’s misery, cause even if she pulls a miracle out of her ass and saves it, Ginger will just start torturing it again anyway.
I dunno why Ginger even likes chewing on plants; I’ve never been one to enjoy roughage. I think plants taste gross. But Ginger is weird. Maybe she likes ‘em cause they help her shit.
Whatever. I’m sure she’s gonna kill more of Mama’s plants soon, so I’m gonna make this a recurring column and the title shall be …
Stay tuned!
Topics: Gettin' Into Trouble, family | 8 Comments »